But without the bread and circuses, the people will…

That sounds really, frustrating. There’s a socialised culture built where men are taught they can’t operate outside “man” and I feel like I’m finally noticing how limiting that is, wearing the “prove I’m part of the club” mask all the time. I feel like that mask is getting less rigid, by each generation. But I can imagine how hard it would be to be able to express your feelings, when you’re in the constant practice of ignoring your feelings and replacing them with “what fits in” so that might make it really hard for some of the men you try to befriend to even know how to reciprocate in questions, to deepen your connection. But also, even asking or answering questions about your feelings requires a genuine and authentic connection with them, and if you keep telling your feelings, all your life, it isn’t safe to feel, or say feelings, that would cause some hugely damaging repression. It’s understandable, even, that some men never get to a level of emotional intelligence that they could, because getting to a certain level of emotional intelligence requires that connection with your own emotions. I can see how all those factors could really stunt friendships. You would almost have to teach them how to do all the things, from the ground up.

I think you just described my Dad and his whole tribe. He has so many friends and they all trade favours, all the time, there’s this deep connection and they read people by how much they give to others, in balance of course. He’d give the shirt off his back to just about anyone, but he knows when someone is only out for themselves. He loved cars so much he built a business around it, but it’s essentially become a men’s shed. I think you’re spot on, and that’s a great test, if someone is willing to bust a knuckle open, trying to shift a tight bolt, with you, you know they’re a good one.

I don’t in any way mean to pressure you into feeling like you “should” be doing things in any particular way. If it’s really outside your comfort zone, that’s ok, but also, you tried to reach out to someone, and then didn’t, so I feel like maybe you want that level of connection with someone. Sometimes it’s easier to start trusting someone with your deeper feelings and emotions when you see that vulnerability from someone else, too. Vulnerability requires a level of trust in someone. Steer away from men who tend to degrade others, if you’re choosing someone to open up to, they aren’t going to have a lot of empathy and aren’t going to, therefore, be in connection with their own emotions. How do you feel about your current relationships? Do you feel like there’s something missing? Would you like more? I feel like there’s this tough bro code where guys are socialised / made to feel like they have to uphold this mask of “man”, but that’s not being authentically you, so it makes it really hard to connect with your own emotions and therefore trust others with them, if you feel like you have to hide the real you, all the time.

I heard a perspective that helped me understand male friendships more in depth, and it went kinda like this, (massively paraphrasing, sorry) apparently men do this parallel play, kinda friendship. They just do stuff side by side, without the deeper knowledge or emotional support or growth together. I found it hard to even imagine that existed, probably because I have adhd and no filter, so I dig the deeps out of anyone I encounter and similarly dump my deeps on even poor random people who have not asked for such horrors, so I struggled to fathom that level, where that doesn’t exist. And if they move away they just ghost out. Sad! Like, here’s the guy I am randomly sitting next to, I know nothing about. It hurts my heart.

Sam Neil runs a farm in nz now. Posts his baby farm animals and chills. Makes awesome one liners riding around on his atv / tractor.